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Some of p****graphy's toxic side effects include:
1. Creates emotional bond with artificial world
All people have a critical need for human intimacy and emotional connection with others. When someone views p****graphy, they end up creating an intimate bond with an artificial, fake world and can actually lose the ability to bond with real people.
2. s*x without intimacy
p****graphy is about s*x being used for the wrong reasons. Because it is s*x without emotional closeness, the underlying hunger remains unsatisfied. The viewer starts wondering what is wrong with their relationships and gets irritated or depressed. They end up feeling emotionally empty and disconnected from those around them.
3. Unsatisfying
While p****graphy use may result in a short term high, it eventually results in feelings of emptiness, low self-esteem and deep loneliness. It ultimately creates emotional distance in relationships. Because the world of p****graphy is artificial and cannot satisfy the need for emotional intimacy, this basic need remains unmet, creating an appetite for more and more.
4. Triggers addiction cycle in brain
Studies show that actual brain function changes in someone who has an addiction – and the changes are the same in all addiction: alcohol, drugs, or p****graphy. Because p****graphy use can become an actual addiction, viewers are not able to stop through their own will power. p****graphy addicts will need to engage in the same difficult recovery process a drug addict has to go through.
5. Unfulfilling
Using p****graphy to feel pleasure and escape feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety, boredom and frustration creates a gateway for addiction. When the rush of pleasure disappears, the feelings a user is trying to escape from reappear stronger than ever, and they are compelled to repeat the cycle. Over time, their brain chemistry is altered and a full-fledged addiction occurs.
6. Great deception
Initially, you were attracted to p****graphy because of the positive things it did for you. ("I love the rush I feel," "This is my favorite pastime," "I feel lonely," "This is my reward to myself for making it through a rough day…") Eventually, it will do just the opposite. ("I no longer feel an emotional response to anything," "There is nothing in my life I enjoy doing," "I feel totally isolated from the world," "My anxiety and stress levels are at an all-time high…").
7. Imitation of the real thing
With p****graphy, we use s*x as a substitute for nurture, intimacy, and love. s*x is no longer a wonderful source of connection between our deepest selves and a beloved partner; it becomes a commodity used to avoid intimacy and mask needs that should be met through human connections.
8. Always hungry
Because this is an addictive substance, it creates an appetite for itself. This appetite increases over time as you spend more and more time viewing p****graphy. The time spent viewing p****graphy can jeopardize work, relationships and interest in healthy pastimes.
9. Escalation
Over time, the p****graphy we first started viewing becomes mundane. We escalate to view things which we once would have considered as going too far or totally wrong. We feel increasing desire to do things which will damage our reputation and relationships.
10. Blunt truth
In the long run, p****graphy will not shore up a shaky ego, will not fill the emptiness left from childhood wounds or abandonment, will not save a shaky relationship or failing marriage and is not satisfying. In fact, it will magnify each emotional wound from the past and cripple your ability to meet your essential emotional needs, damage your ability to have a healthy relationship and leave you unable to sexually or emotionally respond to your partner.
According to a new study in The Journal of s*xual Medicine, one-third of women who frequently have vaginal orgasms claim they're more likely to climax when having s*x with men with larger penises.
Researchers asked more than 300 women how often they had s*x, how frequently they had vaginal and/or clitoral orgasms, and whether or not man-hood length influenced their ability to climax during intercourse. Out of the 160 women who often experienced vaginal-only orgasms and had enough partners to compare sizes, one third said they preferred longer-than-average penises.
What exactly does "average" count for these days? According to a study, you can compare your man-hood to the length of a 20-pound banknote or U.S. dollar bill, so 5.8 inches and 6.1 inches, respectively.
But before you start freaking out that you don't measure up, keep this in mind: 60 percent of the women in the survey did report that size made no difference. What's more, when Men's Health surveyed 3,289 women on how happy they are with their s*x lives, only 7 percent of sexually satisfied women said that man-hood size was critical to their pleasure.
So sure, size may matter to some women, for some types of orgasms. But the good news is you can outsmart your size even if you come up short. Your secret weapons? Passion, foreplay, and variety. Here's how to make them work for you.
1. Give Her a Rubdown
It isn't your man-hood that keeps women coming back for more, it's your passion, says Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., sexologist and Astroglide's Health and Wellness Ambassador. But that doesn't always mean ripping her clothes off as soon as you close the bedroom door.
Try this: Before you begin rounding the basis, start small. Run your fingers through her hair, caress her jaw line, and return to massaging her scalp. Continue to work your fingers down her neck and on to her shoulders, stopping the massage every so often to briefly kiss her on the back of her head or on her ear.
2. Ice, Ice Baby!
If foreplay to you means a couple minutes of hands-on-breasts action, it's time for a serious upgrade. You need to show her you're not in a hurry.
Try this: Remove her bra so you can kiss, nibble, and lick all over her breasts. Take her nipple in your mouth and roll your tongue around its perimeter. Then pop an ice cube in your mouth and repeat the process. Once her nipple's erect from temperature spike, remove the cube and continue until your mouth and tongue is warm again.
3. Enhance Your Erection
Once she's ready to go, choose a flattering position. "Avoid missionary," says Jen Landa, M.D., author of The s*x Drive Solution for Women. "You're not able to penetrate as deep and the angle doesn't really accentuate your size." Instead, try these two positions, the Flatiron and the cowgirl.
Here are some ways to find out if your guy is being a little less than sincere about his feelings.
#1) He's Always Unruffled
If something is going on in your life and your man's response is cool as a cucumber, he might be putting on a bit of an act or just isn't as phased as he maybe should be. In a challenging moment most people go for a consoling gesture or at least communicate about the situation a little more. If he shines you or acts like the situation isn't a big deal he might not be coming at you with the most sincere of feelings.
#2) He's Over the Top With Romantic Gestures
There's obviously a fine line between the best guy ever and someone who is hiding something, and you probably won't know right away. But if you feel at all suspicious about something that your man is doing or saying you should at least listen to your hunch. (Not necessarily react.) A lot of people over compensate for something that they don't want to share by trying to deflect the attention and put it somewhere else. Suddenly showering you with gifts where he hasn't before doesn't necessarily mean that he's mean that he's cheating or something, but he might have something on his mind.
#3) He Withdraws
Where some people smother when they have something on their mind, other people withdraw. This can happen physically or emotionally, or sometimes both. If your man seems distracted or just not all there when you're hanging out it might be that he has something going on and doesn't think it's the right time to share it with you for some reason.
Try not to get defensive and assume he is withdrawing because of something you did, but rather aim to make communicating a more open street. If you can approach him and say you've noticed that he's been a little quiet lately, he might be motivated to consider opening up.
#4) You Catch Him In a Lie
Even the smallest lies shouldn't be a part of a long term relationship. If you catch him lying about anything then that's a clear sign that he isn't being sincere. The key is to not jump to any conclusions about why he's lying, but to directly ask him to explain. If he can't explain why he's lying, or if he gets defensive and blows you off, this could be a symptom of a bigger issue.
Sometimes people just lie because they feel like what they have to say wouldn't be supported. Consider how you respond to him and your own communication style to see if there is anything going on on your end too.
#5) His Words & His Actions Aren't Matching Up
If a guy tells you he loves you but you wouldn't know it otherwise, he might not be being entirely sincere. It might not be that he doesn't actually love you, but perhaps he's struggling with some form of communicating it. Similarly, if a guy claims that he's happy to go to whatever restaurant you chose and then seems miserable the whole time, there might be something weird happening. Another good example of this is him saying he's fine with your mom, but then taking no interest in getting to know her when she is around.
It's challenging to trust people who don't seem to match up their words with their actions, and he should be responsive when you mention that. Sometimes the moment of clarity has to occur where he realizes that he isn't being totally authentic.
Sometimes people assume that other people aren't picking up on their inconsistencies, and when they know that they are they are more inclined to speak directly. These moments can be huge turning points in relationships for the better, so don't fear them!
1. Do you have any life-threatening or incurable diseases?
2. Do you have any children? If so, how integral are they in your life?
3. What are your short term and long term goals?
4. What does financial stability mean to you?
5. What is your relationship like with your parents?
6. How often do you go to church, pray, read your Bible?
7. What gives you joy in life?
8. Do you have a criminal history or record?
9. Do you date men or women exclusively?
10. How many s*xual partners have you had?
11. What do you do when you get angry?
12. Do you have a job? How long have you been working/unemployed?
13. What was your last relationship like? How long ago was it?
14. What are you looking for in a mate?
15. Do you have crazy men or women calling, texting, or stalking you? Should I be afraid?
16. Are there many strong marriages in your family history?
17. What's the one thing you don't like about yourself?
18. Do you have any deal breakers for relationships?
19. What do you believe are the roles for men and women in relationships?
20. Do you desire to marry?
Now, there are no right or wrong answers per se. It all depends on what you deem as important. If a question matters to you, ask the question. Listen to the person's words but also watch the person's demeanor. Finally, pray about the answers you receive and ask God to order your next steps in the relationship. He might tell you to walk down the aisle or He might say walk the other way. You will never know until you ask.
If you're not really suffering from anymedical conditions and still have a hard time keeping it hard, there are ways to keep it up and raring to go when you need it most. Just use these 20 tips on how to keep an erection up and it'll definitely make a difference in your life in a couple of weeks.
1. Talk about your fantasies. Distract yourself from your little head and use your big head in bed. Indulging in dirty talk and fantasies can help reignite the pleasure of s*x for both of you.
2. Get kinky. Speak about your secret fantasies and fetishes with each other and indulge in them. Sometimes, all you need to bring your little guy up is a whole new s*xual experience!
3. Be comfortable in bed. Don't carry your own weight on your arms for too long when you're on top of her. Feel relaxed and avoid any scenarios that bother you like sweating too much, overeating before s*x or having s*x when you're too tired.
4. Get innovative. Too much of a good thing can get boring. Your girl may be the sexiest thing alive, but unless you create new ways to enjoy each other in bed, one of you may get bored which will eventually lead to you feeling less satisfied and less horny.
5. Take time, don't rush in. This is something most guys don't know and don't care to know. Foreplay always helps the guy hold on longer. You may think it's pointless, but by indulging in foreplay for 15 minutes before penetration, your little guy would get more time to warm himself up for the act. Just don't think about your erection until you have to penetrate her. And when it's time, you can rest assured that he'll be ready.
6. Don't concentrate on your little head. Instead, just focus on satisfying and pleasuring your partner. When you spend too much time pondering over over how erect you are, you'd kill the fun which will in turn kill your erection.
7. Talk about it with your partner. When you can't hold on to a long erection, it'll definitely leave both of you upset. Learn to talk about it and reassure each other. Always ensure that bad s*x is not getting in the way of good love.
8. Breathe. Breathe deeply in the mornings. It helps increase the oxygen in your blood flow and also calm you down when you're stressed.
9. Work out and look sexy. Better yet, start working out. A good cardio workout makes you feel fit and healthy, and it greatly improves your flexibility and blood circulation. When you look good, you'd feel alive down there. And the increased blood circulation would ensure that your boneless buddy would be upright and hard for a long time.
10. Quit smoking if you can. Smoking destroys your lungs which in turn affect the amount of oxygen your lungs can absorb, which increases the fatigue in your muscles and leaves you tired all the time. The more oxygen in your body, the easier it will be for that all important muscle to function down there.
11. Don't self service too often. self service can be good to control the problem of premature ejaculation, but it's not good if you want to keep it hard for a long time.
12. Party. Go out, meet people and have fun every day. When you have an active lifestyle, your body will come back alive because it would be loaded with happy hormones that get activated when you interact with others.
13. Flirt with others. The longer a man stays away from flirting, the more his testosterone drops. Keep your libido on a high by indulging in a bit of flirty talk now and then and you'll always enjoy s*x.
14. Don't change positions too often in bed. You may have heard that changing positions can be more fun. But by doing that, you'll end up worrying too much about whether your member will continue to stay erect during each penetration and end up feeling more stressed.
15. Stop worrying about the last time. Well, yeah, you had a hard time having a hard time the last time. But guess what, this is not last time. You can't expect s*x to feel awesome every time. And when you do have a dry spell, don't let that bother you. Just indulge in foreplay, have fun and stop thinking about what went wrong the last time.
16. Shed your inhibitions. Love your body. Many men and women don't like looking at their own bodies while having s*x because they think it looks ugly. If your physique bothers you, do something about it and get over it as soon as you possibly can.
17. Remember the good times. Think of the first time you and your girl had s*x or made out. And talk about it in bed. There's something so sexually exciting about first times that it'll bring the excitement and s*x appeal back instantly.
18. Don't hurry it up. It may seem like a good idea to slip it in quickly as soon as you know it's hard, and feel relieved that you were erect enough to penetrate her. But this routine will make you lose your confidence gradually and scare you away from slow and relaxed penetration over time.
19. Don't think only about penetration. Lovemaking isn't all about putting it in. If you want to get it hard and keep it hard, you need to learn to understand that lovemaking isn't just about the act of penetration. When you pay all the attention on penetration, it's inevitable that you'll end up putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Take time to please her in other ways and you'll see how relaxed and sensual s*x really can be.
20. Avoid s*x for a month. If nothing else works for you, this definitely should. Take s*x out of the calendar for an entire month, and that includes even seeing each other unclad. But woo each other and arouse each other by going out often. Grind at parties, kiss in public and pet each other when you feel horny. By restricting s*x for a while, you can bring the arousal and curiosity back into bed. And that will definitely help you keep an erection up for as long as you have to perform.
In a European study, trained se xo logists (nice job title) were able to pick out, with an 81 percent accuracy, which women had an org asm just by watching them walk.
But that's not the only way someone can tell if a woman has had s e'x. Here are a few others:
The Glow: There's a scientific reason for us getting the flushed in the cheeks look after s e'x — more blood flow — but what about that aura of calm that seems to float around us after the fact? It happens. Recently, my husband and I went on a post-co'ital grocery store trip and ran in to some friends. The wife remarked to me, "You're glowing," with a little wink and a nod.
The Cat Who Ate The Canary Grin: This is also known as the Smir 'king Smile and if you see a woman looking sideways with this look on her face, you'll know, yep, she just got laid. She has a secret that's making her go through her day with a sense of fulfillment. Because, seriously, nobody is that happy unless they just had s e'x with a happy ending.
The Wet Spot: I know this is gross but getting sem'inal moi'sture leaking through to your pa nts can be an unfortunate byproduct of having s e'x, at least if you don't use a con dom or your partner doesn't pull out. And it's not one of the good ways you would want someone to be able to tell that you recently had s e'x. Wearing a pad post-inter'course can help prevent this — just sayin'.
The Unfla 'ppably Buoyant Mood: A post-intercourse rise in endo'rphins can give you a fresh perspective on the annoy'ances of every day life: Go ahead, honk at me because I'm going too slow. Cut in front of me in the check-out line at the store. And let my kids scream at each other while they argue over who gets to sit in the front seat on the way to school. I. Don't. Care. Thanks to a little early morning sunrise surprise, nothing is going to put me in a bad mood.
These are all common questions. Before we talk about any hair tips, its important for you to understand that your hair IS GROWING!!!
There are 3 common reasons why you're not seeing any hair growth. You can read them here.
In most cases, your hair is breaking at the same rate that it was growing, given the appearance of stunted hair growth.
Here are 10 Things that helped me see 6 inches of hair growth in a year
3. Shampoo, Co-Wash and Rinse As Needed
Natural hair by nature is very porous, meaning has a high porosity, and mine is no different.
My scalp and hair need to be cleansed and rehydrated at least every 4-5 days and sometimes, co-washed in between.
A clean scalp promotes healthy hair growth by removing build-up, dead skin, and other unwanted debris. Cleansing more frequently than once a week or twice a week is perfectly ok if you're using a gentle sulfate-free cleanser.
I discussed this in more detail in my 10 Step Winter Natural Hair Care Guide. In between shampoos, I Co-wash or Rinse (run water through my hair without shampoo or conditioner) my hair especially in summer. (Houston, TX has 100°+ heat and my hair needed it.)
4. Pay Attention To Those Ends
A lot of times we pay less attention to the oldest part of our hair, the ends. They are the last part to receive moisture and product, but they are the first to lose these things. In addition to trimming split damaged ends, you should apply your product for ends to tips. Always, always moisturize and seal your ends.
If you like these great FREE tips, you'll LOVE my 12 page Winter Natural Hair Care Guide.
Less Manipulation
As much as I love to style my hair, it can be somewhat temperamental — and I've found that it thrives when left alone. I dare not comb or brush this tightly-curled hair daily, not even every other day. Low manipulation or protective styles, like twists or braids, protect my hair from manual breakage and moisture loss.
5. Work In Sections
I have been blessed with a very thick head of hair. It's beautiful, I love it, but it can be challenging. The longer my hair grows, the thicker it becomes.
Everything must be done in 4-6 sections, from shampooing to conditioning to moisturizing to detangling. These ensures full coverage.
6. Penetrating Oils Work Best
The first few years of my natural hair journey I would slather on the Shealoe (shea b*tter+ aloe vera gel). This isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially in the winter. Shea b*tter is a natural moisturizer, great for sealing in the moisture.
The problem is, it only coats my hair. Lighter oils, like coconut or olive oil, actually absorb into the hair, giving it the ability to strengthen and reinforce the hair's internal structure. Read more about the benefits of penetrating oils.
7. The Hooded Dryer is Your Friend
I'm not sure how the hooded dryer got a bad rep, although I think there's confusion about heat damage. There's actually a greater chance of heat damage with blow dryers than there ever will be with a hooded dryers, according to Audrey Davis-Sivasothy, author of The Science of Black Hair – hooded dryers are an indirect or diffused heat source. With indirect heat, there is little or a zero chance of heat damage.
It's very beneficial to sit under a dryer during deep conditioning treatments because it will help your conditioner enter the hair more thoroughly. Plus, 30 – 45 mins under the dryer reduces air drying time and helps your style to set and last longer.
8. Never Skip the Leave-In Conditioner
For some, a leave-in conditioner is optional. Not for me! Especially if I want beautifully, defined curls. I had a hair aha moment (an epiphany, really) when I used Giovanni Direct Leave-In Weightless Moisture Conditioner for the first time.
As I saw my curls defined and popping, I thought, "Yes, this is what I went natural for!" Leaving in your conditioner minimizes frizz, dryness, and flattens the hair cuticle for less tangles and moisture loss.
9. Take A Multivitamin
I know there are a lot of hair supplements on the market but I don't trust them. Many of the dosages are unregulated and way above the recommend daily dosage for these particular supplements.
Ingesting nutrients that your body isn't deficiency of can be disastrous. Hypervitaminosis or vitamin poisoning can lead to adverse sideffects such as hair loss, acne, and even death…
Besides many nutrients relay on each other to actually get the job done. For example biotin is almost ineffective if taken in absence of zinc to inhibit shedding.
A simple multivitamin and well balance diet is all you need for healthy hair. Read more about vitamins for healthy hair.
10. Drink More Water for Hydrated Hair
When it comes to hair care it's very easy to focus on the external. It's the same way with your skin — when you have dry skin or hair, you look for the nearest moisturizer.
Doing this only covers up dryness (not the most effective way to treat it). Moisturize and nourish your hair and skin from the inside out by drinking water. I notice a huge difference in both my hair and skin when I'm drinking water daily.
#1) Understand Where he is Coming From
Selfishness in marriage can be brought on by several things. Newlywed couples can experience some degree of selfishness as they learn to adapt to one another, and to share their space.
Couples with small children might feel that their spouse is being selfish because children require so much attention. The primary caretaker might feel that since they take care of the kids, they are entitled to being selfish in the marriage. The other spouse might feel forgotten or neglected. Selfishness can also stem from fear or anxiety. Some people are just used to always getting their way.
The point is that you shouldn't assume that you know why your husband is acting selfish. Next time he wants to behave in a way that only benefits him, ask him–very specifically–what his motivations are. You might be surprised.
#2) Cooperation, Not Compromise
Most people think that the key to marriage is compromise but, according to psychotherapist Michael J. Formica, cooperation is a better goal. "Compromise, within the context of relationships, is troublesome because it implies that someone is giving something up," he says. "Cooperation, on the other hand, strengthens the underlying fabric of relationship through balanced interchange, open communication and mutual understanding."
Try to seek common ground and lead by example. Have a giving attitude and continue to show your unconditional love. Most importantly, focus on communication. It is key to developing cooperation in marriage. You must communicate openly and honestly without any hidden agendas or mind games. Let him know exactly how you feel and how his behavior is affecting you and your relationship.
#3) Remember That a Certain Amount of Selfishness is Healthy
Outside of the context of a relationship, selfishness is a good thing. It is a fundamental survival instinct that keeps us happy and reminds us to take care of ourselves. People who do not focus on themselves tend to get stressed out, overworked, and exhausted, trying to always please others.
People who carry this mindset into their relationship might not realize that their desire to protect their own interests often forestalls those of their partner. Your husband might need a reminder from time to time that you are a team. If he considers you and your marriage an extension of himself, his selfishness could actually benefit both of you and strengthen your relationship. He just needs to understand when to being selfish is beneficial and when it is detrimental.
#4) Stand Your Ground
Maybe you'll never be able to get him to change. But you can change the way you react to him. If you've suffered through his demands and neediness, now is the time to stand up for yourself. Do what you can to improve your self esteem so that you no longer feel inadequate when you don't meet his many demands… let's just be honest here and admit that lack of self esteem is what causes us to put up with selfish people.
Also, work on the way you handle situations in which you feel he is being selfish. You should refuse to allow it, but in the right way. If you tend to resort to snarky, sarcastic comments to let him know how you're feeling, stop. Mind games don't work and if you wait for him to figure out how you feel, you'll be waiting for a really long time. Without making accusations, speak up and don't leave any room for him to misinterpret your intentions. Be bold, be blunt, and make sure you are heard.
#1. It is all on his face
As per Chinese medicine, yang is a kind of male energy that has been associated with male s*xual drive for years and to top it all, male face is the ground for most of the yang channels. You got it right! Try and relax your partner's mood by running your fingers gently over his face. Start from gently pressing his temple to relieve his pressure and then gently go down to his cheek and then lips. You will see a marked difference in his mood instantly.
#2. Soothe the neckline
Neck is the next region to explore. Neck region that holds thyroid gland is believed to get stimulated upon gentle caresses, which is responsible for body's metabolism, including his s*xual drive. Start the action with a feather and arrange a flirtatious arrest of his Adam's apple with your hands in a circular motion. After a while, switch the action with your lips!
#3. Play it along his ears
Ear lobe is a zone that has numerous nerve endings, so every time you touch his ear lobe, he will go crazy. Use imaginative ways to entice his senses by using your tongue, teeth or simply play with your fingers.
#4. Magic touch for his hands
Though his palm can seem a bit rough to work under your gentle strokes, still this trick is quite effective to complete the business. Circle your fingers starting from the outer edge of his palm, slowly progressing towards the centre. Gently press the webs with your thumb and forefinger to ease his tension and see him go crazy.
#5. Route through the spine
His lower back can be a good route to arousal. Move and rub your fingers on the region just above the hip bone. This will generate heat, warm his skin and relax him. Now go gently towards the spine above while exerting the pressure. You can also entice his senses by tickling him very sensually with your hair.
#6. Behind his knees
The region behind his knees is very delicate and has many nerves to stimulate his senses. This sensitive volatile spot can be explored to drive him into pleasure villa. Scratch gently behind his knees to generate heat and ticklish sensations.
#7. Bellyb*tton urges
His navel is an exciting spot to explore his urges. Start by making circles around the navel and then go towards the outer edge. But do remember, the amount of pressure has to remain consistent or the entire process can turn completely laughable. You can use a feather or maybe an ice cube to heighten his pleasure.
#8. Bottoms high
Soles of his feet are another tried and tested region. However, precaution should be taken while exercising the pressure or you will send him to one of his laughing sprees, which is something that is not going to get him into the mood. So, move your fingers gently like a rhythm.
#9. Caress the tresses
His hair is as important as the rest of his body. Run your fingers through his hair, very gently and sensually. Play with his locks, moving your fingers up and down his neck and ears. This would definitely prepare him for everything you have on your mind.
So, wives, use these steps to heighten your bedroom experience and to send your man's spirits soaring!
1. You Use Silence as a Punishment
Your partner takes an action or makes a choice … and you disapprove. So you send your sweetie a small, micro-aggressive energetic smack that conveys your contempt, lack of respect, and ultimate dismissal of them … all without using a single nasty word or a negative tone.
Your partner, who is deeply attuned to your energy, immediately picks up that vibratory message in their body — and feels your vibe intensely, like a punch in the gut (literally, they'll suddenly feel sick or nervous in their stomach). Yes, you said, "It's fine. No big deal." But your partner feels the disconnect between your vibe and your words … and it hurts. And, be honest, you meant it to.
Of course, when your partner reacts strongly to this wound from you, you feign ignorance, pretend you did nothing, and accuse them of overreacting.
Over time, most couples get better and better at this technique. You wound one another with the smallest movement, a slight change in posture, a look, or a minor change in their voice. That small, dismissive micro-aggressive gesture, or facial expression conveys the message: I only love you when you do what I want. If you displease me, I'll make you pay for it.
It's the art of subtle cruelty; quiet violence that leaves no visible fingerprints. Your partner is left feeling attacked but can't logically explain why or what happened.
2. You Play the Victim
For those who like to maintain control without ever seeming controlling, the Victim Vibe is the technique of choice. You tell your partner you want something and they don't want to give it, whether that's going to an event you're eager to attend or making a purchase they find unnecessary. And so, you start in on them … arguing, badgering, sulking, wearing them down. Finally, they give in (usually begrudgingly or half-heartedly) and you get your way.
But that's not enough for you — you want service with a smile! Instead of thanking them for acquiescing and then allowing them their honest feelings about how they came to do so, you retaliate by asking, "What's wrong?" or "What's going on?," and act like you're the victim of their bad energy. Frustrated, they say, "This is what you said you want. But now that you're getting it, you're still complaining? Still not happy? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Congratulations, you got what you want by ignoring your partner's feelings, but now you get to make them the bad guy by acting like you're the victim.
3. You're An Emotional Bully
With this approach, you're not taking no for answer and instead of using silence, you're taking the opposite approach and upping the volume of your words. The goal is to pour a ton of energetic intensity on your partner and create a pressure cooker effect. Put the energetic squeeze on them until you get your way. Bully them. Nag them. Over-explain your point. Lecture. Talk too loud. Talk extra slow like they're a half-deaf idiot child.
The message is clear — you won't back off or ease the pressure they feel until you get what you want. By overpowering, you hook all sorts of extra negative baggage onto what should otherwise be a simple message.
4. You Keep Your Partner in the Dark
You give your partner only part of what you know they want or need, especially in conversations. You offer just a taste of it, to hook them, and then you energetically withhold the rest to ensure that you retain control. It's a not-so-subtle power play made through your tone of voice, timing, and how much you do or do not engage with them.
And what is the "thing" they want and need that you withhold? Why, your love, affection and attention, of course. Your withholding looks like this:
• Your partner tries to tell you about his day, you listen briefly, then change the subject before he finishes.
• Your partner asks to discuss something with you. You agree, but while she talks, you send texts, or surf the web, or check your e-mail or you interrupt the conversation to make or take a less-than-urgent phone call.
• You pretend to pay attention, periodically saying "uh huh" and "okay." But really you don't give a rat's a*s about the conversation (what they're trying to tell you) and you're letting them know with your bored tone and indifferent questions such as, "Who are we talking about, again?"
• You say the right words — "I'm sorry" or "That must really hurt" or "Go on, I'm listening" — but in a bored or uncommitted or uncaring tone.
• You respond in an angry monotone, "Whatever. It doesn't matter" or (the nastiest of all) "It's fine." Meanwhile, the vibe you send to them screams, Oh, I care, and it does matter — a lot. But right now I'm pissed as hell, so I'm going to pretend I don't care and refuse to engage with you. You won't be able to do anything about my anger. I'm going to make you FEEL it for awhile. Until I feel better, I will make YOU feel bad.
So, how can you improve the vibe in your relationship?
The truth is — we all send out positive and negative vibes, occasionally without fully realizing it. When I call attention to one of these four toxic patterns emerging between one of my couples in a therapy session, the guilty partner almost always says, "What?! I didn't say anything!" and hopes that their partner will cave to them or take their side.
But, let's be honest (more often than we'd like to admit), we're perfectly aware that our "bad vibes" are wounding or seriously distressing the other person.
And you likely know that you're hurting your partner, too!
In these instances, what often happens is that the other partner finally calls their lover out on this unfair behavior. They straighten their spine and speak their truth.
This can blow the relationship apart—or it can blow it open and create an opportunity for growth and transformation.
But positive change can't occur until both partners acknowledge and commit to changing the way they energetically wound one another without words.
So, if you recognize yourself in this article, I challenge you to find the courage to change your own behavior before your partner calls you out on it (or walks away from you entirely).
What is it?
Run coach Chris Heuisler told wellandgoodnyc.com that dead b*tt syndrome is occurring a lot these days because we spend a large part of our time on our bums, which tightens up our hips and prevents the gluteal muscles from working properly and symmetrically. So what happens is you start carrying more wait over one hip than the other, which transfers the weight unevenly over the rest of your body. And that causes major injuries, particularly in runners.
Do you have it?
Dead b*tt syndrome is characterized by severe hip pain and walking wobbly. When you're standing still, you might hold your weight unconsciously more to one side than the other. If you're worried or in pain, always talk to a doc before you do anything, even the exercises we're gonna talk about below—they're preventative, not quick fixes!
How to avoid it
#1. Bridge the gap: Lie on your back with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor. Lift your pelvis slowly up toward the ceiling as far as you can with a goal of creating a straight line from your knees to your chest. Hold for five seconds, then lower back to the ground. Repeat.
#2. Lift it: Stretch out on your side, legs straight and stacked, head and neck supported by your arm. Your knees should face forward. Use your abs to hold you in place while you squeeze your glutes and lift your top leg upward a foot or so—as high as you can without losing stability. Hold, then slowly lower. Repeat 10 times on one side, then roll over and do the same on the other side.
#3. Singled out: Start this adapted squat without weights, but feel free to gradually add them in to tone your arms after you master the movement. To start, stand about a yard in front of a low chair, bench or table (you want the top of it to come up to your knee). Your feet should be spread a little wider than your shoulders, upper body relaxed. Bend your left knee and rest your foot back on the bench. Then, bend your right knee and squat down slowly. Continue dropping low until your front thigh is parallel to the ground and your knee is perpendicular to your shin. Don't overextend your knee over your foot—that can cause injury. Press up through your foot and squeeze your bum to come up. Repeat 10 times on one side, then switch.
Aside from the couple involved, divorce can take a toll on the entire family,especially if children are involved. But it doesn't always have to be a bad thing.
Lisa Arends of The Huffington Post shares with us 11 ways a divorce can actually change your life for the better. Read on to find out how:
1.
Maturity: You may have to be a legal adult to get married, but there are no tests for maturity before we pledge our lives to one another. And in many cases, we enter our first marriages still children in many ways. Perhaps we placed too much faith in the idea of soul mates and happily ever after. Maybe we didn't fully appreciate the effort that marriage requires. And possibly we still carried childhood wounds and patterns into our marriages rather than assuming adult responsibility for our own responses. Divorce is like a drill sergeant yelling, 'Grow up!' into your tear-streamed face. It leaves no room for childhood fantasies and overdependence on others. It requires that you put on your big-girl panties or big-boy briefs. Maybe for the first time in your life.
2.
Confidence: In the beginning, divorce saps your confidence. You may be feeling defeated because you couldn't hold your marriage together. If an affair was part of your divorce story, you're wondering what the new partner had that you do not. And once you face the dating scene again, yet older and saggier than before, your self-doubt grows. However, that's only part of the story. Because whenever you successfully complete something that you thought you could not do, you gain confidence. Whenever you have to reframe your assumptions about your weaknesses and limitations, you fuel belief in yourself. Whenever you face your fears and survive, you acquire strength. And whenever you come through a struggle bruised and battered yet without giving up, you build trust in your abilities. And divorce certainly provides these opportunities in spades.
3.
Perspective: The only way to truly understand something is to first walk through it and then step back and look upon it from a distance. There's a reason that some of the best marriage advice comes from people who have been divorced -- they know the beginning, the middle and what can lead to end in a way that those only speaking from within cannot fathom. As time goes on, and your divorce moves further back in the rearview mirror, you will be able to see patterns less clouded by emotion and cluttering detail. That perspective gives you information that you can use to change your own behaviors and to improve your future relationships.
4.
Gratitude: When you lose everything, you take nothing for granted. With divorce, you lose your past memories, your present marriage and your future dreams. If you're like me, you also lost so much more, left with nothing but your clothes and your determination to survive. And as the dust settles, you will find an increased thankfulness for the friends that stepped up and stood by. You will treasure every day where the smiles outnumber the tears. And you will retain that gratitude even as the pain fades because once you have felt rock bottom, you appreciate everything that lifts you up.
5.
Empathy: When you have felt pain, you honor and respect that pain in others. The end of a marriage makes you more empathetic towards people facing any kind of loss. As you move towards acceptance and forgiveness of your situation and your ex, you develop your ability to see more than one viewpoint and to consider the feelings of others. Divorce also wipes away the ego that demands that it's shameful to ask for help. And once you've needed and accepted that help yourself, you're better equipped to render aid to others.
6.
Responsibility: It's all too easy to unwittingly put the responsibility for our life in our spouse's hands. We may look to them to provide our happiness. We may lean on them when we are upset or having difficulty with a decision. It's good to be interdependent, yet divorce requires that you learn to be independent. When you walk out of that courtroom, your life is your hands. You no longer have a co-captain, you're driving alone. One of the first areas you have to assume responsibility for is your own well-being. You can't outsource healing; you have to do it yourself. It's scary taking on all of the responsibility yourself. Yet it's also empowering. Because what you own, you can change. It's your life now.
7.
Humility: Divorce is a harsh lesson in our limitations. It teaches us that no matter how much we want something to be true, we cannot force it into being. It's a wake-up call that we all make mistakes and we all make choices whose consequences may be much greater than we ever imagined. You may have been one of the divorce-deniers, now forced to admit that it can happen to anyone. The reality-slap of the end of a marriage helps you embrace acceptance while limiting expectations.
8.
Fortitude: The journey of divorce is an arduous one, taking much longer and with more setbacks than any of us imagined before we took that first step. It has many moments of false-hope when we think the worst is behind us, only to find that we are snapped back yet again to the depths of hopelessness. Divorce takes grit to survive. You flex your fortitude as you continue on even when you can't yet see the end.
9.
Awareness: Many people see divorce as a wake-up call, often realizing that they were living in auto-pilot before they signed their 'I Un-dos.' Divorce is a major change in the status quo. It's a time where everything stands out in stark relief and there is an awareness and clarity that may have been absent before. Furthermore, as part of the healing and growth process, you may turn to meditation or yoga, deepening your mindfulness and consciousness. You may have been asleep before, but you're wide awake now.
10.
Ingenuity: Divorce has a way of surprising us will all kinds of situations requiring novel and often immediate solutions. Whether it be how to afford rent on a fraction of your previous budget or how to co-parent your children with your difficult ex, you are constantly placed in the role of problem solver. And the more we do something, the more proficient we become. And the end of a marriage will give you plenty of opportunity to develop your ingenuity.
11.
Wisdom: Many use divorce as an opportunity for reflection and analysis. With the ego stripped away, you are raw and ready to learn. Listen. There's wisdom in the lessons hidden in the end of a marriage.
