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Moreover, your guy might not be so much of an amateur at the sex game. You may be one of the ladies on his list of conquered women and he was only able to have that much women because most faked orgasms and told him half hearted truths about the issue. His shallow knowledge of the female anatomy might be ascribed to the fact that he's new sexually or he may be a poor imitation of what it means to be good and attentive over a long period of time. It may be that when he's on top of you, the thrusting becomes painful enough to make you numb, it's probably at that point you want to pretend to climax so that he can get there too if only to make him stop.
Going on for that long believing such would only make him someone that is bad and revels in it. We all owe it to one another to be as honest as possible sexually. A lot of women have learnt how not to communicate how they feel in the bedroom. They are still uncomfortable with oral sex because they're ashamed of their physical appearance including their body and hair. Some women have learnt to hide themselves from asking for the kind of pleasure they may have mastered from her own touch. Such women see sex as a chore of everyday life that must be attended to even if it provides some moment of intimacy at the risk of clumsy touches.
But there is nothing wrong with saying what you want
It's essential you say the things you want. Let him know what part of your body drives you wild. Show him the best way to navigate through your all the complicated parts of your body. It's never too late to learn and by faking your orgasm, you'd only be postponing doomsday.
He will want to be better
Allowing him know what to do will bring out the best in him. He wouldn't like to be the butt of jokes or why you had to pretend that you enjoyed being with him. It is hard for anyone to want to imagine that their effort and hardwork is being used as jokes through which you bond with your female friends. Help him feel relief that everyone has bad days for bad sex too.
Let that bad sex stop with you. Try not to exaggerate your cries of pleasure. It's ideal that you're that type of woman who has no fear of stating what she wants or correct her guy when he makes a wrong move. And perhaps, if the relationship ends for reasons beyond your control, you will be leaving him a better man. A man that understands how to help his woman achieve orgasm and enjoy all aspects of her sexual life. Teach him not just because you want the best from him but for the general betterment of society.
1. Let her guilt him into doing things
This is called being emotionally abusive and manipulative. It is not acceptable. A man should never let his sweetheart guilt trip him into doing something just because he loves her. That is not how love works. It is totally fine to sacrifice your wants for the needs of another. That is love. But when this love is manipulated by tears and selfish desires, a line must be drawn.
2. Put himself into financial ruin
Men have the natural desire to feel confident in their abilities as a provider. Because of this, many men will give into the every want of their sweetheart, purchasing their way into horrendous debt. No matter how much your wife loves to shop there will be more tears when you find yourself with nothing than there will be when you insist on living within your means. Your significant other should love who you are more than what you can buy for her.
3. Pretend to be who he isn't
This should be pretty obvious. No one should feel the need to be someone they aren't around the love of his or her life. Relationships that are built upon false identities and assumptions are almost always doomed for failure. Always be yourself with the woman you love. If it turns out that she does not love who you really are, she is not worth your time or emotion.
4. Give up his values and beliefs
Men, never ever give up your beliefs, values or religion for a woman. A woman who truly loves you would never make you give up your core beliefs for her. This is not true love. Your values and beliefs are a part of who you are. If your sweetheart cannot accept this, she does not really love you. This does not mean that she needs to agree with and share your beliefs. It does mean that she should respect them.
5. Suppress his emotions
Today's society puts a large amount of pressure on men to be "manly." This manliness is often stereotyped as rough, tough and emotion free. The truth is that men are every bit as human as women, and humans feel. So, while a man might act the part of a man out in public, he should not feel the need to put on the stone face around the woman he loves. Your sweetheart should be your safe place where you feel free to express and openly feel your emotions. A man should never hold in his feelings in fear that the woman he loves will think him weak or unmanly.
6. Change his dreams or career
Just because it may not be her dream, does not mean it cannot be yours. A man has just as much right to dream as a woman does. While romantic relationships will often require some dreams to be sacrificed, those sacrifices should not require you to live in misery. Men should not give up doing what they love for something their wives or in-laws think is better. A woman who truly loves you will support you in your dreams and choice of career. What is important to you should be important to her.
1. He gets violent, even if he doesn't hit you. You may think this is a no-brainer but honestly it isn't. Most women I know who've been in abusive relationships have immense strength, only to shut down in the presence of her partner's anger and violence.
As a strong woman myself, I froze when a guy I'd been dating went into a rage one night, throwing things, damaging property and calling me names. I knew it was a deal-breaker because even though he didn't put his hands on me, he scared me. No healthy relationship can be built off a foundation of fear because you never know when his actions may escalate.
2. He cheats. Many people will say this point is debatable because lots of couples who have fidelity issues repair their relationship and end up in a better than where they were pre-cheating. But it's not the act of cheating that's the deal-breaker here; it's the disrespect, broken trust and significant risk to your health. (Hello, STDs!)
With all the risks that hang in the balance for just a tiny bit of pleasure, it's entirely inconsiderate and selfish when a man cheats on you. Do you want someone who puts his wants before your needs, like security and trust? I don't which is why I've said BYE to cheating men.
3. He doesn't claim or proclaim you. Many women will spend time in limbo-like relationships with guys who won't give them the girlfriend title. Here's the truth: If you've been dating a man for longer than six to nine months and he's hasn't made you an official part of his life, it's time to MOVE ON.
Stop making excuses for why things aren't progressing to the next level; you'll only waste time and your time is worth more than that. These days, I don't settle for less because I don't want a man who makes you a bargain-bin find. If he knows your worth, he'll claim and proclaim you and there will be few conversations about how 'he isn't ready.'
4. He suffers from addiction. There are plenty of honor badges to be earned by standing by your man when he's fallen on hard times. But CAUTION if you stick with a man fighting demons, namely addiction. Addiction can range from less-severe, like cigarettes, to major issues such as drug, alcohol and s*x.
Someone who suffers from an addiction will do anything – and I mean anything – to get their fix, even at the expense of those they love. So unless you'd like to be second to whatever vices he has, it may be time to 'leave smoke.'
5. He gaslights you. We've spoken about gaslighting, which is the manipulative act of someone attempting to change your memory or perception of events in their favor, making you feel crazy or like you've forgotten something. But when is gaslighting a dealbreaker, you ask? The answer is when it happens!
A man who resorts to manipulative tactics to have his way or 'win' an argument will continue to play mind games and be dishonest with you. When I experienced gaslighting in my relationships, I felt crazy and my self-esteem plummeted until I understood the game that was being played. Take advantage of the situation and leave immediately; it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
There are certain standard emotions we all feel when we fall in love; they're universal. While they may only be a part of the definition, the tip of the iceberg, they are necessary to keep our delusion alive. And what a wonderful delusion it is.
1. Intense Desire
It won't always be intense, but that's because it couldn't possibly be. The level of desire you feel for your partner will vary.
There will be days when you won't be able to keep your hands off each other just as there will be days when you don't feel the need to devour him or her.
The problem most couples face is actually not a problem at all. It's more than normal for your desire for each other to fluctuate over time — just as all your other emotions are never constants, neither is desire.
Most couples fall into a panic when their loins aren't burning for each other, but what they fail to understand is it's possible to return to that state, indefinitely.
The one thing you can't do, however, is fake it. If you've never felt intense desire for the man or woman in your life, then don't expect another few years to change that.
2. Jealousy
This one is a bit tricky. You don't want to feel jealous too often — because that's most definitely not a good sign — but you also need to feel jealous from time to time.
Jealousy is only bad if we act on it poorly. The feeling itself is harmless. More than that, it can be incredibly useful for keeping things exciting.
Jealousy is a very exciting emotion. It forces upon us a reminder of how much we want to keep someone for ourselves.
I understand this sort of wanting for yourself isn't for everyone, and there are some who have a more open approach to love.
One way isn't better than the other — simply different. Personally, I enjoy feeling jealous. I enjoy wanting.
As long as you use that jealousy as positive motivation, then your relationship will only benefit from it.
If there is no jealousy in your relationship, then you may want to ask yourself why.
3. Longing
If you've never longed for someone, missed this person when he or she wasn't around to the point it became unpleasant, then I don't think you were ever in love.
To love someone is to find someone you understand you are connected to — a connection which you always felt existed but never understood until now.
Once you meet this person, you're going to want to shorten the distance between the two of you and keep it shortened. When distance is a necessity, you're going to long for his or her presence.
This won't be constant, but it is necessary. Otherwise, the relationship will fail, the marriage will end.
4. Utter Bliss
You either are in love or you aren't in love. The turning point in which you go from the latter to the former is a point of utter bliss.
It's that moment when you realize this person, who, not too long ago, was a stranger, now means everything to you.
You could lose your job, break your leg, screw something up totally, and as long as this person, this beautiful person, remains a part of your life, you could not care any less.
This is the moment we realize we are in love, and if this sounds strange to you, then I'm sorry, but you haven't found it yet.
5. Hope
They say love gives us rose-colored glasses, that it tints our perception of the world around us and makes us turn a blind eye to all the evil that lurks. I don't believe that to be correct.
Finding love doesn't blind you; it makes you hopeful.
It makes you hopeful of the possibility that things are going to turn out all right. It gives you the hope that the world may not be as horrible as it so often seems.
Love gives you hope for a life filled with more happiness and less sadness — that maybe, whatever you're doing, you're doing right.
Love makes us feel less like failures and more like ever-wandering wanderers.
We know very little about life and the world around us, but we lose the fear of thinking we're completely lost. How could we be when we managed to find such an amazing individual?
Love makes us feel found. It makes us feel… real.
Does it feel like your relationship is a roller coaster that you just can't seem to step off of? Do you go from happy to sad at the drop of a hat? Have you stayed up late picking your friends brains about your man's behaviour?
If you found yourself nodding to these questions, it's time to consider the strong possibility that you're dating a jerk. In the past, I've talked about the signs you're dating a narcissist, but the garden variety jerk is something that I haven't talked about much yet.
Clearly, there are more obvious things jerks do, like lie, cheat and steal, but what about the more subtle signs that you're dating one? The answers lie largely in how they make you feel.
(Note: Jerkiness is NOT gender specific, so you can apply what follows to both men and women even though I use male pronouns here.)
1. You Make Excuses For His Behavior
When he lets you down, you tell yourself (or worse, your friends and family) the most seemingly logical reasons why ("He's tired." "He was busy at work."), but deep down you know better. His behavior sucks, and you're doing your best to rationalize and explain it away.
2. His Attention Feels Like A Drug
When he shows you attention, you feel happy. When he lets you down for the 23rd time this month, his withdrawal hits you right in the gut. If he's running hot, you can relax a little, but watch out when he goes cold. Your emotions hinge on his actions in an unhealthy way.
3. He Tosses You Crumbs
One night he may stand you up completely, then text you the next day happily, like nothing happened. You might have no luck getting a response one day, but the next, he's completely on top of the communication. He has a hard time committing to making time for you. You feel like you're dead last on his priority list.
4. He Regularly Flakes On You
You've come to realize that all plans with him are "tentative," since he only comes through for you some of the time.
5. You Feel "Crazy" Or "Unhinged"
When the other person goes hot and cold, your emotions cycle from downright bliss to abject depression. A little bit of attention from him is enough to make you wonder if you're going off the deep end. The crumbs of his attention and his lame excuses for his behavior are enough to make you wonder if it's all in your head.
6. He Insists That You Do Everything To His Standards
You might not even know what his standards ARE, but it feels like whatever you do is wrong. He's critical of efforts that you make even in good faith. The relationship feels difficult.
7. You Feel Like You Have To Chase Him To Get Your Needs Met
Because he doesn't really have your best interests at heart (or even vaguely on his mind), getting appreciation, encouragement or even acknowledgement is an uphill battle. He may make vague promises, but, more often than not, he doesn't keep them.
8. He Doesn't Ever Ask About You
He doesn't really seem to want to know much about you. Your conversations are deep and wonderful (because he managed to hook you in the first place), but over time it becomes clear that he doesn't really seem to take much interest in you, except maybe when you're in his immediate company.
9. When You Need Him, He's Too Busy
Need a favor? He's unreachable or has a lame excuse for why he can't help you.
10. He's Selfish
It feels like you're constantly dancing to the beat of his drum rather than the other way around. When given the choice between doing something nice for you or himself, you suspect he'd choose himself every time.
11. He's Disrespectful And Uses "Humor" To Insult You
Jerks make mean jokes at your expense. He might call you a mean-spirited pet name like "b*tch" or "a**hole". When you get offended and speak up about his disrespect, he will try to claim that it was all a joke. Even worse, he might accuse you of being the sensitive one. He may tone it down for a while, but over time his disrespect keeps creeping back into your interactions.
12. He Uses How "Damaged" He Is To Excuse His Poor Behavior
As a fun, zany hybrid of excuse-making, he blames his shabby relationship behavior on "being damaged," "previous bad relationships," "not being sure how to love again" and/or "having trust issues." If he's particularly jerky, he'll resort to sob stories and let you feel sorry for him AND make up your own excuses.
This is probably the case if you find yourself thinking, All I have to do show him kindness. He's been through so much. This makes you want to heal his broken wing by being particularly forgiving. The worst part about this is that while you're "being understanding," he's learning just how much he can get away with.
Now you're probably asking yourself, "Dr. D, how in the hell does someone who lies and cheats do so out of shame?"
From your perspective, cheating comes across as caring only about one's own self, one's own activities, and not giving a damn about the rest of the world. But the truth is … beneath it all, the exact opposite is driving his cheating behaviour. Such behaviour is merely a mask.
Beneath it lies a very insecure man (or woman) who fears rejection, criticism, and abandonment.
Now don't think for one minute that I don't understand how you feel. More than likely you think the self-centered jerk who lied to you, broke your heart, and made you feel like a fool over and over again has no clue of what "shame" is. Herein lies the conundrum. How can a person operating with such a lack of emotional intelligence, a high degree of false pride, and an over inflated ego be ashamed of anything? Put simply, he doesn't know any better.
Here are a few signs of a man with a serious shame problem:
Everything he does is someone else's fault
He gets mad and defensive when you correct him
He over inflates his abilities on a consistent basis
He over promises and under-delivers
He's unreliable
The behaviour outlined above is that of a man who ultimately feels inadequate. And, let's face it. Who in their right mind likes to feel inadequate? Nobody! Not even you.
When people feel inadequate and ashamed of themselves, it has rippling effects. When men, in particular, experience this toxic emotion, they often project it outward, by taking it out on you (treating you poorly or making you feel responsible for his actions) and by seeking external relief from shame (by hiding out and numbing out in an affair). In order to protect the ego, people (especially men) come across as narcissistic.
Making matters worse, women involved with men like this often enable the bad behaviour. More than likely that's exactly what you've done or are doing if you're dealing with a man who has shame related behaviors/issues. Here's why — you're projecting on him the nurturing and attention you desire for yourself. By the time you realize what's going on, it's too late. You're caught up in a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship.
To begin the process of fixing this, you must first understand what "shame" is — shame is a painful feeling that's a mix of regret, self-hate, and feelings of dishonor. Here are a few powerful things you can do to help pull him out of shame (and protect yourself along the way):
1. Use the word "we," not "you." More than likely the man you're dealing with grew up in an environment latent with criticism. By using the word "we" you're fostering a team dynamic in your relationship. This helps him feel accountable for his contribution to circumstances and situations, without having him feel like he's being ostracized. Saying "we need to get back on track" achieves an entirely different outcome than saying "you need to get back on track."
2. Lower your voice. Don't shout or raise your voice when confronting him. In other words, talk to him the way you would a little boy. After all, it's the little boy inside of him who needs reassurance and understanding. It's the wounded child within that keeps sabotaging his interpersonal growth.
3. Use negative reinforcement to get his attention. As with most people, "punishment" such as cursing a man out, hitting, or threatening him, only adds to the problem. Negative reinforcement, however, allows him to see healthy natural consequences of his behavior. It involves you holding your boundaries, allowing him to see the positive things his selfish behavior causes him to lose.
4. Lead by example. Just because he's an adult doesn't mean he always thinks like one. By nature men are competitive, use this to your advantage. Meaning, as you pull your weight following through on responsibilities and obligations, demand that he pull his.
5. Stop accepting mediocrity. Make clear your expectations, while being that which you seek.
6. Lastly, never use the phrase "a real man." This is one of the most shaming phrases men hear. "A real man" would do this, or "a real man" would never do that. Coming at him with this phrase will only lead to a useless confrontation. It's the equivalent of him comparing you to your mother.
On some level, we're all a work in progress … including you. Just because your man seems broken now doesn't mean he's incapable of fixing himself. Your job is to make sure that you empower him, not enable him. Trust me, when he knows better, more than likely he'll do better.
