But it is also true that you can maintain a strong s*xual, sensual, and er*tic relationship that is vibrant, exciting, and fulfilling with these four simple steps:
1. Understand that married s*x differs from "new couple" s*x
Great married s*x is about understanding that the two of you will have a lifetime of sensual and er*tic experiences together. Some will be great, most will be just okay, and some will be bad.
The most difficult piece of work is making the OK s*x … okay! This kind of s*x happens when one person has a higher level of desire and the other person just goes along for the ride.
Most couples I see have a deep belief that there is something wrong with their s*x life if they have different desire levels. This is actually perfectly normal. Age, stress, hormones, injuries, and medications all have an impact on your s*x drive and ability to climax. It's important to learn to navigate this OK s*x with creativity, understanding, and generosity.
2. Realize that s*x isn't only intercourse
The goal for your sensual life together is to have a buffet of touch—intimate, er*tic, intercourse, and so on. Just because you are touching in an er*tic way does not mean you must have intercourse. It's a very freeing feeling to disconnect the link between touch and s*x.
Sometimes intercourse is not an option (broken leg, sprained back, babies), but don't let that stop you from having playful and intimate dates. Plan a date night with your spouse where you agree to a level of touch (intimate or er*tic) and stay there without moving up the scale to s*x.
3. Schedule s*x
This is greatly debated among couples. How can scheduled s*x be sexy? When you schedule s*x with your partner, you are stating that your sensual life is important to you and that you want to carve time out for your partner.
You are not just waiting to see if there is enough energy left at the end of the day to give him or her. It also allows for anticipation to build as you get ready, pick special clothes, and imagine all the what's and when's. Try scheduling a few s*x dates and see if it works for your relationship.
4. Be spontaneous and try something new.
It always feels odd counseling couples to schedule spontaneous s*x. It seems impossible, but the spontaneity I'm referring to is not about when you have s*x; rather, what you do during s*x.
Passion and desire stem from the unknown. It is important that each month you add something new to your s*x life. I'm not talking about a big "new," but a small "new"—a slight change to the position or location, a different rhythm, turning the lights on or off, saying something kinky, or keeping some clothes on. These small changes invite the unknown back into your relationship and keep passion alive.
There are many octogenarian couples who report having wonderful and satisfying s*x lives. When we hear that, most of us throw a wish into the universe: "I hope that's us someday!"
It can, but you need to allow your definition of s*x and sexy to change. And, as always, talk with your spouse about these four steps, about s*x, and about your desires and needs.
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